The Highlanders

highlanders 1

‘There’s no plot.’ The Doctor

17th December 1966 – 7th January 1967

The Time Space Visualiser

The last sixties historical brings us to Culloden. I read this book in the 80s but can’t really remember it now. Ben and Polly seem to have accepted this new Doctor. It is hard for us as we haven’t seen a moving episode yet. Polly wonders if it could be England. Hope Alex Salmond isn’t watching. This is the final historical story and it is not the best. The cliffhanger to episode one is uninspired and some of the Scottish accents are borderline racist.

Great to see Jamie at last. The first new 2nd Doctor companion, although he doesn’t seem to be around much in this story. Doctor von Wer is slightly upsetting. The Doctor is the master of disguise in this one. This is a new character trait that they seem to be overdoing slightly. Takes me a while to work out that Kirsty is Hannah Gordon off of Safeways.  ‘You suffer from headaches?’ asks the Doctor before smashing Perkins’ head on the table. Violence from the Doctor, and people say Capaldi is cruel! Ben and Polly bemoan that they didn’t even say goodbye to Jamie. Well dears, guess what? He is still here and he will be coming with you and soon after, you’re gonna get fired!

It is a shame that the historical Doctor Who adventure has its swan song with this story. I really enjoyed Hartnell historicals and in many cases they are better than the futuristic ones. The new product ion team apparently didn’t like them so killed them off with this rather dull mish mash of fighting and character at the expense of a plot. Character wise, the winner here is Polly who has some great scenes with Kirsty.

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Cliché Counter

Let’s play, ‘Spot the Stereotype!’

Captain Trask is more like Long John Silver than anyone in The Smugglers. Grey is your typical 60s and 70s TV professional, he even has a worrisome servant who makes Uriah Heep look proud and upstanding.

Unprovoked Angry Retort of the Week

Ffinch asks the soldiers to get his horse and threatens them with 300 lashes if they are not back within the hour. Sounds a bit extreme!

Innuendo Bingo

Episode 1 8:08

The Doctor: Will you both give us your word that you’ll not molest us?

All sorts of naughtiness with Ben’s pistol in episode one! Put it away, Ben!

There is a lot of cottaging too.

9:10 Ffinch: Take a man around the rear, sergeant. 10:10 The Doctor: I’m glad you’ve come, sergeant.

Episode 2 11:00

Grey: And to avoid comment, you better take them the back way!  (It’s all botty sex in the Highlanders)

Notable firsts

The first time the Doctor does drag.

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The 500 Year Diary

16th April 1746

Day started with a loose cannonball. Wanted to get out of there quick as possible, but Ben wanted to go off and explore. This inevitably led to trouble as we were captured by the locals and taken back to their cottage. Found a nice hat belonging to Bonnie Prince Charlie. I would like a hat like that.

The locals were up for killing us off, but Ben – resourceful as ever – manages to get hold of a gun; sadly, his clumsiness later on draws the attention of the English Redcoats and causes the death of this Alexander. Not for the first time, I’m mistaken for an actual doctor too. As the Redcoats arrive, I decide to put on a German accent and call myself Doktor Von Wer. Doctor who they asked?

This subterfuge cuts no sway with the English who decide to hang us. Luckily, this solicitor called Grey arrives to take the youngsters away alive. The Laird and I were rejected… rather rude! However, I quote the aliens act at them and we’re saved. Not sure if that was made up or not!

17th April 1746 am

So we’re in Inverness locked in a dank waterlogged cell.  Take care of the Laird – the Scots want a bit of bloodletting! Manage to put them off. The Laird has the Prince’s standard, which manage to take off him. Might be useful later!

Cause a bit of trouble by playing my recorder and getting the other prisoners to sing a rebel dirge which allows me to put on my German accent and be taken to Grey. Manage to get him tied up, locked in a cupboard with the standard stuffed down his throat. In addition, manage to convince his assistant Perkins that he’s very ill after banging his head on a table a few times!

I make my escape and disguise myself as a washer woman! Bump into Ben and distract the guard to see the trap door where the prisoners were being herded.

17th April 1746 pm

So hanging around in an inn as the washer woman. Polly and Kirsty come in and start acting very saucily with Ffinch! Later on Perkins arrives – no acting saucily with him! Manage to secure their release by threatening him with an empty gun – don’t like guns. Terrible things! Polly wants to make a plan to get Ben from the ship. I fancy a kip!

Later on I manage to acquire a load of weapons, whilst the girls manage only a couple of bits and pieces. I am obviously better at using my feminine wiles than they are! Notice that Kirsty is wearing the Prince’s ring. Persuade her to give it to me as bait for a very greedy man.

18th April 1746

Another disguise. As a Redcoat. This body likes disguises. And hats. Saw another hat I liked today. I would like a hat like that!

Manage to find Ben after he escaped from the ship and we hatch a plan. Whilst I distract Grey, Trask and Perkins, the weapons will be delivered to the prisoners. Manage to persuade Grey that young Jamie is Bonnie Prince Charlie. This lures him into the hold and an almighty battle ensues! We win the day!

The ship makes its way to France. We have Grey, but he manages to escape after a scuffle with some Redcoats. We return to the cottage with an ally in Ffinch. Grey arrives there, but with Ffinch’s help he is taken away as a villain. Lucky I was able to extract the contracts that would have saved him!

And so there we are. With Jamie. Not had a lot to do with him over the past couple of days, but enough to invite him on board. As long as he can teach me to play the bagpipes!

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The Five Word Lords

One of Polly’s finest hours.

Artwork: Deviant Art Hisi79:



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